Our Pursuit of Amber

I have been avoiding writing this post, but I know I'll want it for later when this is all over. It may also help some of you understand more fully this journey.

On Sunday, we will pack the car and drive the 370 miles to Alabama. We've made this trip several times, and each time we have wrestled with the same questions and anxiety that comes with this complicated adoption.

____________________________________

It all began back in End of January/February 2007, when we first learned that Amber existed. We were emailed the birth mother's situation and were told the lack of adoptive parents who would be interested in adopting her baby girl. The reason, Alcohol consumption during 7-8 months of the pregnancy.

We took some time to read about FASD which can include a whole host of difficulties physically, mentally & emotionally. We prayed and sought council, already feeling love grow in our hearts for this unborn baby girl. In short, we decided to accept and let the birth mom see our profile to see if she would like us to adopt her baby. We knew that with the shortage of couples, that we would most likely receive this baby. We spent the next weeks preparing, praying, and loving this girl we were calling Amber. The week that Amber was born the birthmother had some difficulties emotionally about her decision to place Amber for adoption and we rode the emotional roller coaster ourselves as she thought through and made her decisions.

On March 25th, she gave birth to Amber, pronounced "beautiful & healthy," a miracle considering she could have had physical defects from the prenatal exposer to alcohol. Time would tell if the alcohol had made its mark on her brain. We were thrilled to be told that she was our daughter! The birth mother had made her decision. She would grieve the loss of Amber, but she was happy that we would be her dad and mom. We would leave immediately to pick Amber up from the hospital since the birth mom did not want Amber to be transferred to foster care during the "risk" period (there is a period of time when the birth mom can go back on her decision to adopt, and the child is returned to her without question). We were happy to comply, knowing it was a risk, but we already loved Amber so much and it would not have made much difference to us. And we wanted to receive her in our arms as soon as possible! We had waited 4 1/2 years for the Lord to fill our arms with a child. We ached for this. Prayed for this.

We rejoiced as we drove to Alabama to pick up Amber. The Lord had provided all the money that we needed at that time and we were ready! Our church, family and friends rejoiced with us, knowing how long we had waited for the Lord to work on our behalf.

We arrived minutes before Amber was to be delivered to our agency. We dropped everything off at our hotel room, put on fresh clothes, and drove to the agency. We signed all kinds of paperwork, then we were told our daughter...our daughter...had arrived!

I can't tell you the emotions that well up inside. I have never birthed a baby, but I am sure it compares to that final push and they show you your beautiful baby...all those months of waiting, labor, and then it ends with a beautiful gift from the Lord!

We walked down a long hallway, and into a cozy room. In the center of the room stood a beautiful, white, baby bassinet. Our bodies shook with joyful sobs as we approached our 6 pound, little girl, Amber Kate. She was so beautiful! She was asleep, and was perfect in every way. Praise to the Lord from whom blessings flow!

It is amazing how fresh everything is in my mind. It has been almost two years and this is the first time I am writing this down. The ache is still painful.

We couldn't believe she was ours! We took her back to our "home" at the hotel and began the sleepless nights if feedings, diapers, etc.! I was made to glorify the Lord, and I was made to be a mom...I can truly say that I loved the sleepless nights. They meant I was a mom! We loved every minute...we enjoyed her first smiles and the satisfaction that she was comforted by us when she was sad.

We stayed at the hotel another night and then drove outside the city limits to stay with some friends. We stayed there a few nights and then had to head back to the city to finish up paperwork in order to head home. We stayed with another family, and that is where our story went from celebration, to sickening fear.

When we arrived at this dear family's home, we received a call from our agency's lawyer. The birth mother was having second thoughts. We should prepare our hearts to lose Amber. We wept, called for prayer, and asked the Lord for mercy. (Side note: losing a child back to the birth mother is always painful, we know several instances where this has happened. We are sympathetic to birth mothers who have placed their children for adoption. It is impossible to not bond with the child you carry and experience tremendous grief when you lose that child, even to the best situation. So, that said, we were understanding of this natural bond and significant loss.) What made things so hard is the neglect that Amber had already taken in the womb. We knew that if the birth mother received Amber back, the chances of further neglect were very likely. We could not understand why God would allow for "our" Amber to enter into that kind of situation again.

We did not sleep much that night, we cried and cradled and memorized the features our gift. (Ugh, this is so hard to write.) The next morning, the sun was shining as if to say, "All is well," we knew that in Christ this was true, we trusted Him, and prayed for a miracle. We were notified that the birth mom was on her way to where we were with our lawyer and a social worker. I prayed for grace...the one who had carried Amber into this world and the one who was mothering were about to be face to face.

I bathed and dressed Amber in her prettiest premie sized outfit. She smelled sweet and looked beautiful. When Amber's birth mom entered the house, I was at the door to greet her with Amber. I hugged her and placed Amber in her arms. It was not dramatic, it was short. She unwrapped her from being swaddled, kissed her cheeks and handed her back to me. It was telling of a future I did not yet know.

The next moments were high with emotion. We wore our love for Amber on our sleeve. We thanked the birth mom for her decision to let us have her till now...we wept. It is probably the first time she has seen a grown man weep for love of his daughter. We reassured the birth mom in all this that we supported and loved her...yes, we love her.

Our lawyer then spoke to her about the reality of her decision. I will not write details to save her dignity. In short, they were obligated to notify Child Protective services of the current situation before Amber was returned. This was done, and the birth mom was notified that CPS would not allow her to have Amber right away. They wanted to asses the situation first. As a result, we had the horrible job of bringing our one and only daughter to CPS. We had just one hour to pack up and bring her in.

To their credit, they were kind and compassionate to us and let us ramble on about her schedule, say our last goodbyes, and took down our information. They promised to keep us on file for a future adoption of Amber if things did not work out with the birth mom.

We left with huge holes in our hearts. We had only held Amber in our arms for 5 days, but is felt like forever.

In all our grief, our Father in Heaven carried us. We did not understand His purposes, but we trusted Him. We prayed, wept, prayed, wept, and waited. We waited in Alabama an additional 2 days for CPS to asses the situation and lay a plan out for the birth mom. We waited because CPS thought that once this happened it was possible that the birth mom we re-change her mind back in favor of us adopting her. During our waiting, we printed off pictures of Amber for her birth mom...she did not have any pictures of her. And sent them to her with a letter.

We headed back home, having been told that the birth mom was motivated to change her life for Amber. This is good, but painful for us. If the birth mom could change, Amber should be with her. We prayed for a heart change, that Christ would rule in her heart and give her the strength to make the right decisions. We wrote, saying this in additional letters that we sent to her.

The next weeks felt empty..i was still waking up for the middle of the night feedings by habit. It was awful. We were supported by family and friends and upheld by the Lord.

About 2 weeks later, we were called by our agency here in Kentucky that there was a baby available for adoption....they were unaware that we had just lost a baby. We declined...still fresh with grief, but also not wanting to hinder our still possible adoption of Amber. The plan was to wait on any children until July (it was mid-april at the time) when Amber's birth mom would have her next court hearing in review of her progress. This would give us a good idea where things were heading.

Our agency knew this and was keeping tabs on everything. At the beginning of May, they called us...."We have a 'plan b' for you, a baby girl, and if Amber becomes available in July, you can have both girls. By, the way, they are only 3 weeks apart in age!" We were surprised! We weren't sure about it. We longed to be parents...it was hard for me to be a mom, then not to be again. It was hard because our love for Amber was so strong and we were afraid we'd be replacing her if we adopted again. We also weren't sure if we'd be able to love this other girl like we loved Amber. We prayed, sought council, and decided to proceed forward. Our biggest fear was that in adopting we would hinder our chance at getting Amber back, which could happen at any moment. But that fear was quieted by our agency.

We had 3 weeks to get ready, and drove down to Alabama again, on Mother's Day. The next day was painfully similar to Amber's adoption day...paperwork...long hallway....cozy room....

As we approached that white bassinet where we first met Amber, my heart burst. The Lord was blessing us so soon after loss...There was our beautiful, chubby, Lily Grace. So beautifully opposite of Amber. The healing began as I gathered our 12 pound baby girl in my aching arms and heart. Pure, undeserved gift is the meaning of her name...and it fits! She blesses our lives daily, my heart holds so much love for her. She is a gift from the Lord's hand and she radiates joy!

We received Lily into our lives and loved her 'permanency' in our lives. We prayed daily for Amber, loved Amber from afar, and poured love and prayer into Lily, in our arms.

This would be the pattern for the next year. We would receive bits of news ever so often about Amber. I was also able to call Amber's foster mom occasionally for updates. She knew how much we missed her and she was good to offer as much comfort from afar as she could. Unfortunately, we were not able to communicate after those first few months she had Amber. In all, we never lost our desire to adopt her.

Last June, the tide turned. We had just moved into a house. We were painting and unpacking. Weyland came home from work and announced that our agency's lawyer had called. Amber's birth mom had given up. She had not changed, had not even been to see Amber in over a year. Her rights were set to be terminated. There was a good chance that we could adopt her again! I was in tears...joy-filled tears! Our lawyer filed the necessary paperwork...we were ecstatic! We were to appear in court in July...just weeks away! We rushed to get everything up to date on our end and we were hopeful to bring our Amber home after so many months. Little did we know that this was just the beginning. There was a series of court dates...then we found out that Amber's foster mom may want to adopt Amber....

Each trip to Alabama we hoped to see Amber and learn all the details of what lay ahead. Each time we did not get to see her or learn all the details. We wrestled with whether or not to continue knowing, that it was possible that the foster mom wanted to adopt her. But we did not know enough. We planned to pursue until we were told not to or felt a peace from the Lord to withdrawal. We really had to rely on the Lord.

____________________________

So here we are, heading back tomorrow. Only this time it will be different. The judge will be hearing from us and hearing from the foster parent for the first time. Before, the hearings were related to the birth mom. Now that her rights are terminated, the light is on adoption again. The judge will decide where she goes.

This will be a hard trip. We will face the reality of our decisions to move forward. We want more than anything that the foster mom not be hurt, we want what's best for Amber, we want what is best for our family.

So why are we still in this?

We love Amber, the Lord gave her to us, took her away, gave us Lily instead, then provided a way to give Amber back to us. We want to guide Amber in the truth, we want to raise her as Lily's sister (who talks about Amber all the time and prays for her). We know that the Lord is able to reveal himself to Amber even though she does not live in our home. We know He will protect her. And we also desire to have her fill our arms again.

We know that whatever the judge decides, someone will grieve. If we get Amber, she will grieve. She will be leaving all she has known for almost 2 years. The foster family will grieve. If they get her, we will grieve. Whatever the judge decides, we will rest, knowing that the Lord had given him the power and understanding for this difficult decision. I do not envy him.

Please cover us all in prayer. Only our powerful, loving, heavenly Father can turn this ALL for good in ALL of our lives.