Window

I do not normally use this blog as a window to my heart, but today I need it.  I am aching....on October 7th, it will have been three months since we learned that Amber would not be ours.  I did not realize how much it would hurt.  In the months during the trials, I longed for resolution.  Now that I have it, I grieve.

It has been hard for me to "properly" grieve.  We did not have a "marker" like a funeral, a huge out-pouring of support, etc....we were just told we lost.  No big deal, right, it's not like she was a biological child or something......
That's right, she wasn't....she was "just" the first baby that the Lord gave to me after being in the depths of infertility.  She was my 6 pound miracle who should have been ravaged by the drugs and alcohol that her birthmother chose during pregnancy.  She was perfect, smiling at her daddy's voice when she was just hours old.  She was OUR Amber Kate, our GIFT from the Lord, in our arms for 5 days, and then in our hearts for 2 1/2 years.  She was the little girl we loved and pursued as our own.  We will never understand why the Lord has placed us here, but we are confident it was for our good.  Today I ache, I miss my Amber.  Even though she belongs to another mommy now,  I will always be her first, and she will be forever in my heart and thoughts.

I have been enjoying Seven Curtis Chapman's newest Album, Beauty Will Rise.  My Favorite is

"FAITHFUL"

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/faithful-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html ]

You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...